My attorney wasn't happy with me because I wasn't budging. I wanted the house, full custody, and ample child support and alimony. I had been married for 19 years, I argued. I deserved these things. My soon-to-be ex and his lawyer weren't moved. My lawyer explained the merits of compromise to no avail. We were at a standstill.

Fortunately, I was just playing (and not too well) "Ellen" at a mock divorce trial given by the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School to train students on the art of negotiation.

Had I been really serious, I would have been sorry because I didn't understand how to negotiate.

Every day we find ourselves having to do just that. It might be what movie to see (your husband loves adventure and gore, you prefer foreign films), how to balance work and family, what price to pay for a house, where to go on vacation, or how to convince your boss to give you a sizeable raise or a supplier to lower his prices.

A common assumption is that negotiating must be adversarial: you want something; the other person wants something else. But rather than slug it out or get pushy, the better approach, say experts, is to find common ground and build mutually rewarding relationships so that both sides feel satisfied. When there are high stakes, that can get tricky.

Prioritize before you compromise

Your first job is to figure out what you want and what you are willing to accept. "Ask yourself what will make you happy or unhappy, what you don't want to concede," counsels Susan Hackley, a former consultant to the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School.

"Sometimes you give away the store and feel uncomfortable so make sure you think carefully and explicitly ahead of time about what you really want. People may get disappointed in themselves because they didn't stand up for what they needed. They think, 'I don't deserve it.' So if you feel that way, pump yourself up and outline the reasons you ought to have it."

Be clear about your goals. Write down what you want to achieve. And realize you'll have to be flexible.

Once you decide what you're not willing to concede, don't go beyond that point. For instance, if you need $500 a month in child support, don't accept $300. If you're Al Gore, campaigning for office, it is insisting on being home for every high school football game of his son Al, Jr., despite what his aides advise. It could be coming up with an arrangement where you work longer days two days a week so you can have Fridays off. Or letting your pre-teen kids know they can have your undivided attention until 10 p.m., but then they're on their own.

You snooze, you lose

Before you enter into negotiations, make sure you're prepared to talk intelligently. If you want a raise, research salaries and benefits for comparable jobs in the field. Are there typically signing bonuses, for example?

After you do your homework, think about what you want to achieve, both in the short-term and in the long run. You don't want to win the negotiation but lose the friendship, or jeopardize a business opportunity in the future with the same person.

Put yourself in his shoes

Understanding the interests and position of the person on the other side of the bargaining table is essential to a successful outcome. "Instead of pointing a finger at the other person and saying, 'you are wrong,' say, 'you and I seem to disagree. Let me make sure I understand your point of view,' recommends Roger Fisher, co-author of Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement (sic) Without Giving In. To discern this, actively listen by asking questions. You may be making inaccurate assumptions.

Fisher believes "you learn something, the other person feels heard, less frustrated, and more respected." Phrases such as "What I hear you saying. . ." or "Am I right in thinking that. . ." show you have empathy, which is an important negotiating tool.

Take the case of an aging parent who may feel her adult child is not doing enough for her, like calling or visiting. Try negotiating up front when you'll see her and find out what's most important to her and then say, "Do I have it right? Do you mean you don't really care if I make long visits, you'd like to see me more, or at least have a brief daily phone call?"

Collaborate, don't berate

If you work together to come up with a solution, you're both likely to feel you've contributed to the agreement. You may also produce a result which may not have been obvious to you alone.

If the talk gets heated and you're prone to anger, figure out in advance what you'll do when you're about to lose it, or your negotiatee loses her temper. You might decide to say, "let's take a break so we can calm down," or "this isn't helpful, let's set up another time to discuss this." Resume when your tempers have tempered.

Leave wiggle room

Sometimes you have to perform to get what you want. Don't appear too eager or initially request what you desire. Ask for more, and negotiate down to what you feel comfortable accepting. If you reject the first offer, and there is room for negotiation, chances are the terms will come up.

The medium matters

Research suggests that face to face or telephone negotiations are advantageous to those done via the keyboard. In experiments, Michael Morris of Stanford University's business school discovered that negotiations go better if they are conducted in person, or at least in part. Other investigators found that electronic negotiations worked better if there was a personal relationship established or the two sides already knew each another.

If you're going to go the cyberspace route, try and get to know the other guy with a few personal interactions. In other words, kiss up!

Equally important is to read over your e-mail letter before you send it, thinking about it from the recipient's point of view. Then, if you think you're being too tough, too wimpy, overly aggressive or unrealistic, put it in your drafts folder and go back to it. You can always press "delete" and talk turkey anew.

SALLY ABRAHMS, the co-author of What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody, is a master negotiator.