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Agree? Disagree? Stop sounding off to your computer screen! Instead,
share your point of view on this subject with our readers.
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Judy Phillips was tall and gangly as a girl and, although she grew up to be an international model, for a time she experienced the brunt of unkind remarks. Her father, a psychiatrist, told her that the person making those comments likely had his own problems and he wasn't doing it just to be mean to her. "My dad went on to say that I hadn't done anything wrong and I was fortunate so therefore there was no reason to get mad," recalls Phillips, who is now an event designer in Boston.
Her father's words stayed with her, and she still doesn't hold grudges, which she sees as "counterproductive and a waste of time. I'll just erase [the offender] from my hard drive. I view my brain as a cup and I can only care about so many things."
You have to admire her attitude--and many people do. In their work, academics and physicians are finding that holding grudges and reacting negatively can have an enormous effect on us both emotionally and physically. Whether because it's the right thing to do or because it contributes to better health (and probably for both reasons), forgiveness is in.
What it means, and what it doesn't
Many people don't want to forgive because they think that if they do, it means they have caved and are letting the offender off the hook. But "forgiveness is not the same as condoning, excusing or forgetting," maintains forgiveness pioneer Robert Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and author of Forgiveness is a Choice. In fact, you don't even have to reconcile with or confront the person.
That's because forgiveness is for you, not the person who has wronged you. When you forgive, you are taking control of your life. That person no longer has power over you. Instead of stewing, you can move on to focus on happier relationships. That means letting go of the anger, resentment, or hatred--again, not for the offender's sake but for your own. Says D. Patrick Miller who teaches a "dynamic forgiveness" workshop and is the author of A Little Book of Forgiveness: "To carry on anger against anyone is to poison your own heart, administering more toxin every time you replay in your mind the injury done to you." In other words, when you hold a grudge, you suffer over and over, not just from the initial hurt.
If absolving the makers of our misery is so good for us, it seems like forgiveness should come as easily to the rest of us as it does to Phillips. But it literally isn't our nature to forgive, say some experts. According to Frederic Luskin, a Stanford psychologist who oversees Stanford Forgiveness Project and is the author of Forgive for Good, we're not made to kiss and make up. "We're biologically programmed to hold a grudge, because the number one biological imperative is to make sure we're safe," he says. In a way, we're programmed to scan the world for potential dangers, which is the idea of a grudge.
Studies tell the story
You don't have to agree with Luskin, but there's no refuting hard science. Holding onto anger has been shown to weaken the immune system by releasing chemicals such as cortisol, adrenaline, and noradenaline. This can lead to hypertension, high cholesterol, depression, coronary artery disease, and cancer.
Forgiving, on the other hand, is linked to improved physical and mental health, including increased self-confidence, self-esteem, hope, compassion, and less anxiety and stress, as well as fewer stomachaches, backaches, headaches, lower blood pressure, and better cardiac function. In one study, anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in women with previous coronary problems.
In its various studies on forgiving, Stanford has seen less anger and blame among college students who forgive when they get hurt or offended, enhancing their interpersonal relationships; higher productivity among financial advisors at a Fortune 500 company; and better peace of mind with siblings, parents, and children of Protestants and Catholics murdered in Northern Ireland. The University of Michigan discovered that middle-aged men who got a grip on their anger had half as many strokes as those who didn't, while at the University of Tennessee, those who forgave easily had lower blood pressure and fewer doctor visits than grudge-holders.
Steps to burying the hatchet
It can be hard work to forgive, but experts say there are steps you can take to help you do it and then move on. - Decide what really happened so you can process it accurately. What, if any, part did you play?
- Forgive yourself first, whether it's for trusting the offender or for how you handled the situation.
- Allow yourself time to feel anger and pain and realize it will take a while to forgive. A while could be days, months, or even longer. Don't minimize your hurt.
- Decide you'll forgive, if not for the other person then for your own well-being. Think about the price of not forgiving. Instead of saying, "How could she have done that to me?" replace it with, "How can I afford to let her upset me?" Remember, you have two choices: to continue feeling terrible or to come to terms with the injury and the offender.
- Talk it out with a friend, family member, and/or therapist so you can begin to move past the blame and start to heal.
- When you're upset, practice a stress management technique like diaphragmatic breathing or visualization.
- Be compassionate. The person may have acted abusively, but he's human, too. What may have led him to his behavior? What was his life like that he would behave that way?
- Ask if the experience has taught you anything. Is there something you could do differently next time?
- Be realistic. Don't expect that you won't feel a twinge of pain when you see the offender or think about what happened, but if you can substitute understanding for anger, you'll be on your way.
- Focus on the good stuff. Do what gives you pleasure.
If you still find it hard to let go and can't think of a reason that you should, perhaps the words of Oscar Wilde will convince you: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing angers them so much."
Sally Abrahms of Boston has been known to hold a grudge or two or three.
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Reactions to "Letting Go"
It's not that I can't let go of past memories and situations because I can't forgive the other person, but because I can't forgive myself. How can I forgive myself?
Jeff Smith
This statement has alway stuck with me in how damaging holding a grudge can be and the toll of bitterness.... Holding a grudge is like you taking a drink of poison but expecting the other person to die.
Connie Garman
This is a wonderful article. I came to your site to look for employment opportunites but instead I found words that made me feel better about life. What a great company this must be.
Michael Kranitz
SVP, Independent Planner LLC.
A very dear friend tells me that, "Love is the answer to everything." Try replacing your anger or hurt with love. Anger is a choice; I choose not to.
Caren Robey
Ecclesiastes 7:8,9 says "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools." NIV
I believe the sooner we are able to release our cares, the sooner we are able to find our joy again, and have love for our offender as well.
There is a thing called the principle of least interest, meaning that the person with the least amount of interest in the relationship, ironically, has the most control over the relationship. Once we are able to realize that our whole being does not, in fact, rest on the outcome of a particular situation or argument, then we are more likely to become the "least interested." And in doing so, we empower ourselves to choose how the predicament will end; In anger, or in nonchalant bliss. I agree with the words of Oscar Wilde but I think perhaps the Bible said it best:
"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you." (Proverbs 25:21,22)
Melody Clark
Interior Design Student, University of Central Arkansas
Dear Mary,
Thank you for your response.
I do agree to your comments to a certain extent. Most of us know that it is easy to say to let it go and live on. However, it could take a toll on one emotionally to really let it go and stop hurting oneself emotionally.
Someone shared this with me before - The damage has been done, the wound has healed but the scar still remains. The 'scar' is something which is hard for someone to forgive and forget as it serves as a reminder that something bad happened. And it will remain in the memory for a long period of time maybe till death.
Nevertheless, I also believe that the emotional pain cause by the 'scar' may be lessened after a long period of time.
Just some thoughts.
Cheers :)
Lau YW
Great article.
There are people you love, there are people you understand and then there are people you forgive.
Jean Marc Miltenberger
President, Midnight Petroleum
I think that forgiveness and letting go are two different challenges. Foregivenss is turning off the hurt one feels toward another person.
Letting go embraces the fundamental precept of Buddhism, that all is impermanent, and that clinging to the impermanent is the root of suffering.
Both require inner strenght, but foregiveness requires that strength to be channeled into compassion toward others. Letting go requires the strength to release attachments.
Donald L. Morelli CPE
I am reminded of a quote I came across - I think it was in a Dear Abby or Ann Landers column - that has stayed with me. It has allowed me to let go of some incidents I had been hanging on to for quite a while.
"Hanging onto resentment is like letting someone live rent free in your head." Looked at that way - there's no way I'm hanging on to anything. :o)
Sorry I can't remember the exact source.
Donna W.
Very impressive article and I think it is true to its last drop. But I have a different problem (so says my friends). The thing is I forget to hold grudges or at least remember about an unfortunate incident where I was hurt or my business was stolen by some sleazy competitior. (We are a small community of related specialists here).
What I am trying to understand is: Is it bad not to remember and understand when you're screwed? Forget about forgiveness, it never follows. Make sense ?
Prashant
Team Leader, Visiounlimited.com
A-men! I can't be fully me if I can't let go and forgive others. There is nothing that anyone has ever done to me that can't be forgiven
Tammy McNew
I want to respond to Lau YW :
Often if someone I work with or live with keeps repeating the same mistake - I need to look at my expectations for that person. The truth may be that they are incapable of what I expect.
I need to adjust my expectations for that person to remove their power over me. If it is a subordinate, then the proper disciplinary measures must be taken IF it is a work issue and not just a personality difference.
Someone who constantly repeats the same 'mistake' is often expressing their anger or powerlessness. It gives them power to see you react. Since the only person you can change is you, you will need to adjust your expectations in order to move on.
Remember that the only one you are affecting by holding onto that pain is you.
Love yourself enough to let go.
Mary Richards
Senior Accountant, KSU
My thought is, how can we forgive someone who keeps making the same mistake?
Lau YW
Having been a "hard-liner" all of my life, it's easy to see the toll it has taken on me and my relationships. What a waste of my time!
James T Crowshaw
retired
How lovely to see this article and graphics so well done on a corporate website! But then it IS Herman Miller. Bravo Sally et al. Keep it up!
Nancy Peden
educator, Lived Learning (www.livedlearning.net)
I will never forgive you for this article! JUST KIDDING. Very good advice - however sometimes difficult to put into action.
Michael Jurdan
President, Michael Jurdan, Incorporated
I have the same reaction to this as to the last article. Once something has happened it is already history. 5 seconds later...history. Whether that something was an act of God or cause by a fellow human being it is imperative to "let go" right away. It already happened, nothing you can do now can change it. Deal with reality as it is right this second and you will be relieved of all of the stress and hassles that come with living in the past or hoping for a better tomorrow. All that matters is what you do right now, the rest is a waste of time and, more importantly, energy.
bob marcy
office manager, windsor wood service
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