How do you get a two-year-old boy to a 9:00 a.m. doctor appointment and still put in a full day of work--without staying late?

In many cases, a mother can just tell her boss that she'll be in at 11:00. But what does a father do, if the boss's expectation is that he'll be at the office from 9:00 until 5:00, 6:00, or 7:00 at night?

He can't be two places at once, so he schedules a 10:30 business meeting outside the office. Since his boss won't expect him to come into the office before the meeting, this will allow him to take the child to the doctor, maybe show up a few minutes late to the meeting, and be in the office by lunchtime. No one will have noticed. It's called "stealth parenting," and I've just blown my cover.

The idea of a father needing flexibility at work to help out with childcare hasn't really caught on in the workplace. It has become acceptable for mothers to take time off to drive kids to the doctor, go on the school field trip, or pick them up at soccer practice. A father can publicly say that he needs to skip out of work for a couple of hours to catch his daughter in a school play, but that's about it. If he does see the play, then he'll work late that night--and miss dinner at home--to make up the lost work time.

Raising children demands a lot of quick decisions and action. Kids get sick, babysitters don't show up, and moms--whether they work outside or inside the home--sometimes get overwhelmed and need to be bailed out.

That's where stealth parenting comes in. The term was coined in Britain to describe what men do to take care of their family responsibilities in business environments that are run by older executives whose own children (now grown) were raised almost exclusively by their mothers, most of whom were stay-at-home moms. In Britain, they call these executives "dinosaur dads."

In the United States, we don't have a catchy term for them. In fact, here there is little discussion of the demands put on fathers by family and job. And compared with European workers, who strike and demonstrate to defend their quality-of-life rights, Americans seem too afraid of losing their jobs to stand up and discuss change at work.

More work at home, too
That doesn't mean that life isn't changing for fathers. There's a big difference between what's going on at work and what's going on at home. Men today do almost twice as much housework as they did in 1977. (Although it's still only two-thirds of what women do.) Dads are doing even more childcare, about three-quarters of what mom does. At the same time, anyone who has a job knows that we're all working more and we're all expected to be more productive than 10 years ago.

Flexibility at work can contribute to productivity, for the employers progressive enough to try it. "It's to the employer's advantage to be flexible with the parent," says Mike Farrell, founder of Fatherville.com. "A happy parent is more often than not a happy and more productive employee. Sure, there are those who might exploit the flexibility an employer offers but most do not."

Unfortunately, many employers are still stuck in the old model, which thinks in terms of "face time" rather than results. That's why men, feeling they can't be honest, resort to fibbing. Few--including me--even take full advantage of the 12-week unpaid paternity leave that's their right under the Family and Medical Leave Act. According to the Families and Work Institute in New York, men take an average of only five days off work after the birth of a child.

Even though 63 percent of men and 72 percent of women believe that fathers should take at least two weeks off after the birth or adoption of a child, men simply don't take the time, either because they feel that they can't afford it or that it will jeopardize their careers.

In many cases, fathers' fears of discrimination at work are justified. Men who take paternity leave are less likely to receive bonuses, plum assignments, and other perks, studies have found.

Looking back and ahead
We think of two working parents as a recipe for stress, but it hasn't always been that way. During World War II, when women were working in the factories and men were away fighting, the United States had the beginnings of an organized system of childcare centers, according to the book The Mommy Myth by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels. But as the authors point out, when the war ended and the men came back for their jobs, the government shut down its financial support for childcare. Since then, a national system of daycare centers has smelled like socialism to Congress.

Some changes have come in the last few years, making it slightly easier for fathers to reconcile the demands of work and family. More companies are offering flextime and telecommuting. Half of the telecommuters are men these days. A few companies even offer paid paternity leave.

In part, the changes have occurred because fathers are speaking up--a little. "My boss knows about my family life and how important my children are because I speak to him openly about work and social life," says Joe, a single father raising two children in western Pennsylvania. Still, he only asks for "family time" during emergencies.

More changes for the better may be on the way. Managers who are raising children in families with two working parents are making it to higher rungs on the corporate ladder. In addition, younger generations, who know that the job-for-life days are gone, are more interested in balancing work and life issues than in proving their loyalty. Generation-X and Generation-Y are more likely to be "family-centric" than members of the Baby Boom generation.

In the meantime, dads will be practicing stealth parenting, keeping their heads down, and sneaking out of work--not to a bar, or an afternoon doubleheader, but to pick up the kids at school.

You didn't hear it from me. This discussion never happened.

Kent Steinriede, a journalist in Philadelphia, has a 2-year-old son and a more-than-full-time job. You do the math.