Angela King*, a manager in her mid-thirties, knew that her husband Kevin* was restless in his white-collar job. While it was good in many regards, it hadn't been giving him any personal satisfaction. When Kevin started riding along in the squad car with his police officer brother and asking him questions about the police academy, Angela hoped it didn't mean what she thought it might.

It did. Kevin, a middle-aged father of two, told her he wanted to join the force, and with that, Angela was riding shotgun.

We all end up in the passenger seat at times--spouses change careers, a child selects a college (or not), aging parents who are sound of mind make their own end-of-life decisions that directly affect us. And while it isn't easy to remain supportive without crossing the line and trying to own these decisions, it is possible. Experts say it all comes down to healthy boundaries, understanding where you end and the other party begins. To wit: When you're riding shotgun, it's not about you.

Ken Fish understands that. Five years ago when his wife Diane Mater, a then 37-year-old graphic designer, told him she wanted to go to medical school, he was thrilled for her, even though it meant he'd have to be a stay-at-home parent to their young daughter and they'd be facing some very lean years.

"At the beginning, I was young and naïve and never would have dreamed of telling her no," says Fish, who won the medical school's award for most supportive spouse last year when Mater graduated. "Now I'm less naïve about the sacrifices, but I'd still never dream of telling her no. How can you tell someone they can't go after a dream when they have it in them not just to try but to succeed?"

Some of us can (and do) because we believe we know what's right for the other person. We "know" a daughter would fail at Yale but thrive at Boston College. We "know" a spouse isn't cut out to be a forest ranger (nor do we want to relocate to the Pacific Northwest). Being right is beside the point, however, says Leif Smith, a psychologist and president of Personal Best Consulting in Columbus, Ohio. If you force your agenda, it can alienate that person and put your relationship at risk. "Let's say you are right and you 'win,'" says Smith. "Now the other person is beaten down and has lower self esteem. Is that what you really want? You have to get a wider perspective. It's more important to have happy times than to be right."

I just want what's best for you!
Occasionally we profess to want what's best for the other person when what we really mean is "what I think is best." Missa Murry Eaton, an assistant professor of psychology at Penn State, has been studying parental contingent self worth, which occurs when parents feel so invested in their child that they base their own self worth on their child's accomplishments. She says the question, "Do I want this for myself or for my loved one?" can be difficult to answer given "humans' uncanny ability to hide things from themselves."

Murry Eaton uses herself as an example, telling of the time her daughter, an outstanding trumpet player who seemed to enjoy playing, told her mother she didn't want to play anymore. "She said, 'I think I've been playing trumpet for you and not for me.' I was devastated," Murry Eaton says. "Here I study this topic [professionally] and I never even realized she was sending signals, trying to get it across without being blatant, and I was ignoring them."

Red flags that you've crossed the line from interested to over-invested include feeling an urgency to push your agenda and frequent, emotionally charged arguments about the topic.

The emotional response that's a red flag can also be a clue that some deep-seated need in us has been triggered. "We have the illusion that we have control in life and that there is such a thing as stability," says Ann McKnight, a clinical social worker in Holland, Michigan, and an expert on non-violent communication, a way of strengthening our ability to respond compassionately to others and ourselves. Riding shotgun disturbs that illusion, which gives us an opportunity to face our own fears. McKnight says, "We can ask ourselves, 'What's keeping me from supporting the other person's growth? What's beneath that? Fear I'll starve, die, lose my image of myself?' Once you've gotten in touch with what your trigger is, then you can say to the other person, 'I value your honesty but here's what's going on with me and I would like some consideration.'"

If your relationship with the person is generally healthy, a frank, respectful conversation can follow, during which each party takes the other's fears and desires into consideration.

Agenda-neutral is the goal
While as shotgun rider you have the right to voice your concerns, you also have the obligation to set aside your agenda. Help the driver think through the decision by offering options and alternatives, e.g., "Here are the three choices you have and let's talk about how each might play out."

Angela didn't want Kevin to become a police officer, and she was very in touch with her trigger. "I was scared for his safety and scared my children would lose their dad," she says. But instead of saying "no way," she kept the conversation going and helped him think through the different scenarios, including the impact police work would have on family life, something they both valued. Perhaps most importantly, she asked him, "Are you doing this because you want to help society or because you want to get out of your current situation?"

The question was one of the things that helped him realize he was doing it for the wrong reasons. Eventually, he found another job that gives him more freedom and control and involves far less desk time, and he's thinking about volunteering in order to meet his need to give back to the community.

Simply listening is critical. Says Smith, "Sometimes the other person just wants the space to discuss these dreams and may not ever intend on fully pursuing them." In other cases, the driver may be checking to see first if you understand the decision is theirs to make and second if you'll support them no matter what they decide.

How to save yourself
If you find that you're trying to wrest control of the steering wheel, it's not too late to gracefully settle back where you belong. Here's how.

Restore the balance to your life. When someone close to you is making a big decision, it's easy to focus on it to the exclusion of everything else until it seems like it is your life, rather than just one aspect of your life. Force yourself to get involved in something else, e.g., a sport or volunteering.

Use your support network. Get together with good friends who will let you vent and process your feelings. "It's normal to be frustrated," Smith says, "but once we process that, we can go back to the relationship in a better frame of mind."

Assume that mistakes will be made. In trying so hard not to make mistakes ourselves and preventing others from making mistakes, we deprive everyone of life's richness. We want quick, definitive answers, so we tend to view things in black and white. In reality, "There's a lot of gray to the scale. That's where all the beautiful intricacies of life hide--in that gray area--but we're afraid of that gray because it's unknown," says Smith. "That's where all the learning and fun are. That's where the growth is."

Finally, trust that everything will work out. If the other party makes a mistake, so what? He (and you) will deal with it and move on, doubtless wiser for the experience. That's life. We humans are remarkably resilient--especially when we feel supported by those along for the ride.

* Names changed.

Over the years, Juggle editor Christine MacLean has found various ways to distract herself while riding shotgun.