Jugglezine - Not-So-Great Expectations

Letters to the Editor
and About Jugglezine >>

Not-So-Great Expectations
How not expecting more becomes settling for less
TEXT BY JILL E. JOHNSON ILLUSTRATION BY YVETTA FEDOROVA JANUARY 10, 2003



How do your expectations of yourself now compare to your parents' expectations of you when you were growing up? (Choose one)
	Theirs were higher than mine are.
	Theirs were lower than mine are.
	Theirs were about the same as mine are now.
	I've never thought about it and I don't think it's worth thinking about now.




Agree? Disagree? Stop sounding off to your computer screen! Instead, share your point of view on this subject with our readers.

My young son regularly tells me he is going to be an astronaut. He knows that few people ever get to strap into the space shuttle's seats and feel the rocket boosters tremble beneath them, but he doesn't care. He expects to be one of them, you see.

I don't remember having high expectations as a child. Growing up, my siblings and I didn't have a lot. While our friends were tearing through stacks of presents on Christmas, we each received just one gift. We all knew that that one gift was it. No exceptions, no accommodations for errors in judgment.

When I was five I received a doll that was pretty enough but too pale, I thought. So before the wrapping paper had even been picked up off the floor, I used a blue ink pen to give her cheeks more color.

I quickly realized that, even if I scrubbed until I was blue in the face, that ink was not coming off. I was crushed but I didn't cry or fuss. I knew I was one of the lucky ones. Those same children who were starving in Africa as I gagged on my Brussels sprouts were, I knew, dreaming of dolls--even damaged ones. I accepted with resignation that my parents wouldn't be replacing that doll with a new one, and I resolved to learn to love my blue-cheeked doll.

Such equanimity I owe to my mother, who always said, "If you don't expect too much, then you'll never be disappointed. See the glass as half full. Be grateful for what you have." The wind on the plains doesn't always blow hard, but it blows steady, and some trees grow curved because of it. My mother's constant reminders that things could be worse did something similar to me, and in less time.

By the time I was in elementary school, I had grasped the beauty of low expectations. When the most popular girl in first grade did not include me in her "good girls" club, I wasn't surprised--or disappointed. I was just grateful she didn't pick on me like she picked on Heavy Hilda. Mom, it turned out, was right.

In high school I learned a neat trick. Extending the "don't expect much" philosophy to include not expecting much from myself--a leap that my "just do your best" parents never intended--made life much easier. I played #2 doubles in tennis in my freshman year and every year thereafter. Normally players advance in the ranks, eventually playing #2 or even #1 singles by the time they are seniors. Not me. Not only did I not expect myself to get better, I did not expect to win. (This was not a problem for me. I suspect it was, however, a problem for my doubles partner.)

Without even realizing it, I became quite good at expectation management. When I applied to college, I wasn't disappointed in being turned down by Ivy League schools. I had never applied to them. By that time, not expecting much had turned into not trying.

Always surprised to find myself with a boyfriend and sure that I'd never have another, I hung onto each one longer than I should have. This led to a series of ill-advised relationships with men, including one with a pot-head, and another with a sculpted and brooding musician, to whom I was engaged. I finally broke it off when I realized I would be better off never being married at all than being married to a man who was volatile and controlling.

When I eventually found the right man, my expectations going into marriage were characteristically low. While my engaged girlfriends fretted about floral arrangements and headpieces, I fretted without reason about what I would do when my husband had an affair.

In marriage, too, expectation management was been remarkably useful. Not that my husband ever had that affair. But when you expect the worst, anything looks better by comparison. My husband is funny and smart, and he boots up my computer in a most gratifying way. He exceeds all my expectations, which is exactly my point. And if he doesn't read my mind, well...I never expected him to.

The fact that I was low-balling my life was completely invisible to me until, in an attempt to get to know my mother better, I asked her what her biggest disappointment in life was. She hesitated only for a moment before telling me that it was when she and my father were newlyweds, and he left her to stand by herself at a picnic while he went off to talk to a group of friends.

I was dumbfounded. Over the course of a lifetime, this was her biggest disappointment? I pressed her on it. What about not going to college? What about not being able to paint still-lifes or sing arias? "No," she said slowly. "No, I think it was that time at the picnic."

"If that's your biggest disappointment, you haven't been aiming very high," I thought. And then I realized that what was true of her has also been true of me. What's so horrible about being disappointed, anyway? People--most people anyway--recover. People even learn from disappointment, so I've heard.

The problem is, when you're too grateful for what you've got, you stop believing that it's possible to have more. Maybe you even stop seeing that there is more. There is a corollary to "things could be a lot worse." It's that things could be a lot better.

Being low on expectations and high on gratitude gives you permission to be a slacker. Thinking about how good things are relieves you of the responsibility to make them better. It's a fine line, isn't it? Between appreciating what you have--no, wait--what you have done and realizing you can do more.

If it were just a matter of living up to your potential, that would be one thing. My mother is content, and who am I to judge her? But for me there are other implications. Being grateful blunts my perception, making it difficult to see trouble spots. It is Denial's second cousin. Marriages and friendships are delicate things. If I cannot see a relationship in its entirety, I cannot truly attend to it. If I cannot attend to it, I may lose it. Those seem like higher stakes than just being all that I can be.

I wish I could have it both ways. But if I put a seed of discontent into my full and grateful heart, it will be irritating and distracting, like a popcorn shell stuck between my gum and my tooth. Once I put the seed there, it will, like the blue ink on my doll's cheeks, be permanent. It might even grow.

I'm reluctant to take that risk. But then I ask myself the question I asked my mother. What is my biggest disappointment in life? It's not an event or a single missed opportunity. It's that I haven't aimed higher or tried harder. In some cases, I haven't tried at all. My robust life--family, friends, career--quite literally fell into place. It could have just as easily fallen apart.

As an accidental success, I'm a dangerous role model for my son. I'm proof that even if you skate it can all turn out okay. It's not a bad way to live, as long as "okay" is enough for you, but it won't ever get you to the space station.

I've spent my life believing that my glass is half full, and it is. But it can hold more. I expect that it will.

A freelance writer, Jill E. Johnson has set her sights on the Pulitzer Prize in Journalism.

Reactions to "Not-So-Great Expectations"

Jill, I am clean bowled by your story. You have a magic pen : I cannot judge the good & bad or right & wrong part of it but this makes me guess you would do great, actually better in creative writing than journalism. Best wishes.

debashish

I was delighfully suctioned into this article. I couldn't get away until the last period.

-dannyhotea

dannyhotea
Web Designer, dannyhotea.com

an interesting story. it made me think of what i have done in the past whether i've accomplished enough or do i have to achieve more. but there is one guiding principle i live by, that is, i can never go to sleep or face my family knowing that i didn't do my best. now i know the measure of someone's best may differ, but i could care less about what they think. what's important is, you tried.

jose maria ariel quijano laxa
designer/student, mapua information technology center

Hmmm... Makes me think.

To your credit Ms. Johnson. I am thinking back to my first real job stocking the shelves at the five and dime. The Jolly Rancher (r) candy boxes used to come with a 3x5 card with an inspirational qoute. One I always remembered was " ...Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things that I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference." It was many years later that I learn this was the AA prayer.

Let's all achieve. Let's all be happy. But above all, let most of us have balance. Face it. Most of us will not be called to the dias for a Nobel Prize, Academy Award, or Medal of Valor. Still, be satisfied knowing that there is also reward enough for simple achievement for raising the kids well, paying the mortgage, and smelling the roses.

Steve Herbst

Steve Herbst
Project Manger, CES

The challange, I guess, is to figure out how big and how full you want your glass to be. If your lucky enough to have parents that can help you with the challange - great, if not than you have to figure it out on your own. Some people take longer than others to figure it out - that's the break's in the game. However, once you figure it out, the ball is in your court. Fill the glass as much as you like and don't look back. End of story.

Bob Hoffman
Principal, Sandy's Fine Food Emporium

Really compelling. It makes you wonder doesnt it. This story makes you think about your own expectations and put them into perspective. After reading this, I'd like to completely fill my glass that is always just half-full.

Gerald
n/a, n/a

Wow, amazing story. I could reeally relate to it myself . Only because I came from an average backround and my expectations haven't always been high either. I've recently have been taking a look at my life and realizing that I've been settling for less in the past. (too much) But, I guess late is better than never. I've been thinking about finishing school but then I think about how much time it will take out of my life. Now I'm thinking about how much it will actually change my life in a better way.

jazmine
mail assistant, genzyme/camb.

I'm the type the leaves his wife alone at picnics and can't read her mind, and comes home late form work. Does that make me an over-achiever? It is important to have a compass in life--principles and values, goals and priorities. Would the author resort to torturing her mum if it would win her the Pullitzer Prize? I doubt it, because that would violate a primary value and principle. Likewise attaining goals is secondary to respecting values and principles. There is more pleasure to be had in respecting a value or principle than attaining a mere goal. Ask Ghandi. Reagrds, Baiju

Baiju A. Khanchandani
Dr. , Studio Chiropratico

Beautiful! Well thought out piece of work, with very valid, and interesting ideas to contemplate. Thank you.

Becky
Accounting

Our society seems obsessed with the labeling of extremes: optimists and pessimists, like Conservatives or Liberals, as if there's no middle ground. It's not a question of whether or not the glass is half full or half empty. The real question is, Is the glass too big? Hoping for the best but planning for the worst is neither optimism nor pessimism. It's realism. It's mental security.

David Whitemyer

What?! You have more examples of why low expectations are better than actually giving advice on how to change for the best. People who are never content are called workaholics. Your new attitude seems to embody all that is wrong with society today.

B

I only came across Jill's story, and this website, because I'm a v. mature student (in my 40's) and my course study and research has led me to a whole raft of works and areas of life I would probably not have visited otherwise.
I spent most of my life just letting things happen and being guided by no-one - least of all myself! Then I started to get bored - with my job, my life - with me - and decided that even at my advancing age, three years out of my life was not so long. Now I'm in my final year of my degree course -aiming for a 1st - and planning a whole new future.
I started out as a very average kid from a pretty average background . A lot of things I accomplished by sheer luck - but now I've taken control of my life and KNOW I can and will accomplish a whole lot more.. My only advice to anyone doubting themselves and their abilities is GIVE IT A TRY - whatever it is, and be proud that you did - you might feel like a fool sometimes -but who cares - you'd be a bigger fool NOT to have tried..

Anne Hamilton
School for late starters!

I am currently mentoring a young graduate just out of the University. In his personal life he is very well off and financially he has no problems...he could be without doing anything and would survive. But, he wants to get a real job, and so far he has not succeeded. He has applied to at least 100 co's - without success. I have tried to get into the core of the matter - where is the problem??? - and this article certainly gives me part of the answer.
Thank you. Now I will have him read this and then we can discuss, how he could fill the rest of the glass.

Tuula Koli
senior advisor/communications, Fountain Park

Great story, Jill! I'm sending it to a friend who's disappointed in his own low expectations. I call it a mid-life crisis.
Thanks,
Suzanne

Suzanne
Editor, Lark Books

Wow!! I've never read anything that summed up my life so well!! Unfortunately I married the struggling artist because I couldn't believe I would ever find anyone else. Fortunately he's not struggling anymore, but I am. I have four children to take care of and be a role model for. I am encouraged by your article . I want more. I don't expect things just to fall into place. I want to live my dream!
Thanks,
A photographer in Hawaii!

Debra Dicandilo

How sad for this woman! She has let so much of life pass her by and she is GRATEFUL?! I was happy to see she has set her sights on a high prize at least for once.

Life is thrilling, disappointing and fun! Why on earth would you ever, ever settle for mediocrity and "just OK"? That my dear is a sad, sad statement on your life and I pray your son will not be infected by your family's attitude. I hope he will be in space some day.

Best of luck and remember, the universe only brings what you expect, EXPECT MORE!

Felicia
Communications Director, VNSM

I could easily see myself as the subject of this article. During my childhood and until I was almost 40 I didn't have high expectations for myself. I could easily blame my parents, my schools, my sibs, and my environment. I finally learned and chose to expect more of myself albeit was a slow process. I'm almost 54 now and feel greatly energized at my future prospects regarding my prosperity and relationships.

Leon Spitz
Media Advisor, Horizon Productions Inc.

Fabulous flip side to the coin that holds the "nothing you'll ever do will be good enough so why bother," which is the one I grew up holding. Taking that risk is worse than popcorn stuck in your teeth; it's jumping out of the boat in the middle of the ocean with who know's what lurking beneath waiting to swallow you whole. But then again, you might just land 'the big one.' The trick is, knowing what that 'big one' is, daring to know and trust yourself enough and dreaming big enough to make the risk worthwhile.

Patti

The trick is in finding a right state of equilibrium between "aiming high" and "getting in to the rat-race"...

Abhijit Thosar
Project Director, Human Factors International

Wow. Wow. Wow-wow-wow...

Jill, I feel like you just reached inside my head, ranked out "me", and spread it out on the table for me to look at. I thought that I was just a rarity of a person who coasted through life neither failing, nor excelling.

I'd clarify the piece slightly and say that there are two elements. One is a sense of "low expectation thinking", and the other is one of "low expectation action". Jill described the first leading to the second quite eloquently. At the same time, however, "low expectation action" can also result from exceedingly high expectation thinking which does not come to fruit either because of never achieving those expectations or from not believing enough in those expectations.

For me, I have tremendously high expectations surround my personal potential (what I want in life), and yet surprisingly low expectations about by (cap)ability to actually apply that potential or reach my goals. I dream of great things and yet don't expect that I'll actually achieve them. Weird, no? Especially since I'm only 25.

There is a direct connection between the thinking exemplified in this piece, and one's happiness. Jill wrote about neither being happy, nor unhappy. Just...neutral. Jill hypothesizes that this is because of "not expecting greatness" and therefore not obtaining or losing it. But couldn't this neutrality stem from something deeper than personal expectation? Jill (or anyone else out there), are you engaged in something that you're passionate about? Do you have something (anything!) that that "hits you". Makes you stumble back because it rocks something inexplicable deep down inside your "soul". It could be anything. An person you care about. An occupation. A hobby. A location. A mindset. A religion. A song. A belief. It could even be something completely inexplicable: something beyond words or physical form. In other words...a feeling.

Without strong emotions, there exists no happiness or unhappiness. One is merely left...floating. That sounds similar to Jill's piece. I'd argue that an absence of emotion is caused not only by one's own personal expectations or lack thereof, but also the sense of urgency caused by the passion one has about something.

To everyone else left saying "damn straight!" after reading the piece, I just want to say that maybe you haven't found "it", yet. Don't worry. You'll find it. I'm searching for it, too. We all are.

dan

Is it harder for women to find that balance between satisfaction with what they've done and the unending tyranny of unmet expectations? I guess what it comes down to is confidence that it's your own expectations that you're setting, raising, meeting, missing--not some set by people around you, your upbringing, whatever/whoever.

Edith Pierce

Wow, this could have been my life story!
Thankfully, when I turned 50, I decided to drop my mother's low expectations of life and have had so many richer experiences. It's like being let out of a prison once you begin to see, as Don Quixote once said, "life as it should be" versus "Life as it is."

Just call me La Dona Quixote!

Ladonna Lindley
Project Support Specialst, JMWA

Great message to all! Keep filling the glass till it can't hold any more!

Randy Sherwood
Marketing, Nordis Direct

Well I'm sure glad that she has raised her expectations.

Pity that it took so long!

Henry Beitz
Consultant, BYTES by Beitz

True that. For one, I've always thought that I could be more and do more. The rungs in the ladder sometimes get far stretched as I climb. Often nervous or worried I'd fall through, it all usually works out in the end.

As people we are very pliable, resilient in fact. Like muscles, we need to stretch and grow. It's good to make progress in yourself. To test and challenge one's abilities. As long as you don't beat yourself up for it. And as long as you don't gloat on your accomplishments or rely on others to praise you.

Maybe Stretch. Grow. Look Back. Move ahead - sort of methodology. It works.

And most importantly that you enjoy the process along the way.

Warren McKenna
Principal, Warren McKenna Design Group, Inc.







You've been asking for an easy way to share these articles with friends since Day One. To which we reply, "Uncle!"