The invitation was intriguing. It read:

Girlfriends! I've been waiting for a long time to have an unpressured but purposeful forum for us girls to get together. Well, I am taking the bull by the horns, biting the bullet, stepping up to the plate (aren't there some feminine phrases out there?). Come Friday to my home at 9 a.m. Bring your own coffee (I don't make good coffee!). I'll have, tea, water, and fruit. Don't dress and remember, we're here to gab. This is about friendship, not food!

My friend Barbara's guest list included mothers from her children's school, friends from various civic groups, old friends, and a woman she just met.

"Who has time to go out to lunch or to a movie?" she reasoned. "It's hard to fit people, especially new ones, in our lives. That's why I loved the idea of having something where I can be with all my friends together."

Barbara is a rare and exotic bird. Women (and men) have always flocked to her. She's got what my mother would call "the gift of friendship."

The bonding blues

But even if you have that gift, you can't always use it. As a male or female adult it can be difficult to make friends and nurture old ones, not to mention find time for our kids, our spouses, and ourselves. Grownups don't have the built-in venues like school, sports, or summer camp.

Telecommuters can feel particularly isolated because they have fewer opportunities during the day to make meaningful relationships. So can working at an outside office when many of your friends stay at home or the other way around.

In addition, when you're building your career, there are often job moves that involve leaving some friends and having to connect with new people. Forty-three million Americans move annually, and that's a lot of uprooting and starting over.

Divorce changes friendships, too. Some friends you and your ex had as a couple may stay close to one of you and become estranged from the other.

It takes effort, you know?

While I had a great group of friends in high school, I've lost touch with most. Why didn't we stay close? The usual reasons: time, distance, changes, new friends, life.
My friend Ilene wouldn't buy that. She is in constant touch with six of her high school friends. Their lifestyles and marital status vary and they live in four different East Coast states. Yet the four women and two men vacation together with their families, celebrate special birthdays, and attend other important events in their friends' lives. Now they are planning to rent a villa in Italy with their partners and spouses this fall to celebrate the boomers' 50th birthdays.

"Our group has remained very close because each and every one of us is willing to put the time and energy into keeping it that way," Ilene tells me. They shoot for a reunion three to four times a year. "If we haven't seen one another for awhile, we'll invent an excuse to get together," she says.

Alan, a member of that group, told me "these guys are in my thoughts constantly. I call upon them for love, companionship, advice, and commiseration. We absolutely accept each other for who we are. This has been proven time and again through the various changes and choices we've all made."

They have a kind of togetherness that's healthy but unusual.

How we find friends

The truth is that all our rushing around makes it tricky to establish friendships and maintain them. Tricky but not impossible. People still make friends the old fashioned way, by sharing experiences, whether it's on the job, through the kids, in a trade organization, or at a health club.

Some people find that tending a friendship is easier when they arrange to meet regularly. My friend Andy has had a weekly tennis game in New York City for the past several years with the same guys. My husband goes to a late movie and often dinner at least twice a month with his friend Merrill. Another friend, Kitti, hosts her female colleague friends off-season at her summer home on Martha's Vineyard and to other fun hotspots.

There are less conventional but equally effective methods. My neighbor Polly has created a full social network by "picking up" and befriending other dog owners at her local park. She once hosted a Dog Bones and Cocktails party to get to know people better. Some of these folks are now her close friends.

The world of cyberspace has also made it easier to meet people and to reconnect with old friends. The other day I opened my e-mail. A college pal from San Francisco forwarded a joke to me. A mutual friend from Washington, D.C., I haven't heard from in more than ten years saw my name on the joke list and e-mailed me. The old warmth was still there. We've renewed our friendship and plan to get together later this year.

Whether you make friends in traditional or contemporary ways, there is still only one sure way to keep them: invest the time. If you do, chances are that you'll see a positive return on that investment for years to come.

SALLY ABRAHMS may work in a home office in Boston but she does not lack friends, she wants you to know. Like any good salesperson, however, she could always use more prospects.