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Agree? Disagree? Stop sounding off to your computer screen! Instead,
share your point of view on this subject with our readers.
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I was six years old and had just learned that my grandmother had passed away. I had gone outside to play Hide and Seek with my friend Lucy when out of her mouth popped, "I'm glad your grandmother died."
I don't believe that my grandmother's death really made Lucy's day, but rather that she had no idea how to handle the news. In that way, Lucy is like many of us who may be far more mature but still don't know what to say or do when something bad happens to a friend or colleague.
Shying away from the subject
We may have the gift of gab in most situations, but when a neighbor has cancer, or a friend's husband loses his job, or a co-worker is going through a divorce, we often feel awkward. Of course we want to do the right thing and mean well, so why is it so hard?
According to Nance Guilmartin, author of the new book Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say, there are many reasons for our bumbling. We don't want to be intrusive, we're embarrassed and/or terrified about what has happened, or we're afraid we'll blurt out something inappropriate. Consequently, we say nothing and pretend all is well. That tactic, maintains Guilmartin, is not what someone in pain needs. "If you ignore the person, they pay a price for your silence," says Guilmartin. That price is being stung twice and feeling even worse--first by the trauma and then by others' reaction to it. It makes them feel abandoned and alone.
Just ask Lynn, who recently returned to her banking job after a month-long medical absence to find her colleagues behaving as though she had never left. "They could have said, 'welcome back,' 'nice to see you,' 'we missed you' or at least given some kind of acknowledgement that I had been sick," she says. "It was very awkward and made me feel isolated, like they didn't care."
But most likely they do care, and because of that, there is fall-out from the pretender's silence--guilt. They feel guilty for what they haven't done and avoid the aggrieved out of embarrassment and disappointment in themselves.
Fortunately, it doesn't have to be that way. Experts and those in the trenches offer this advice.
Be there. Now is not the time to check out but to show your support. Pam Older, a Mamaroneck, New York, mother of two, found herself divorced after twenty years, without a job, and having to move. It was the daily phone calls from her friend Holly asking to walk their dogs and others' regular dinner invitations that "helped me heal quicker," Older believes. One night when she was feeling particularly low, two friends arrived at her house in their bathrobes and wrote down a list of Older's best qualities.
Do anything. If you're uncomfortable consoling face-to-face, write a condolence note, make a donation, pick up the phone, or drop off food. It doesn't matter what you do. What matters is that you do something.
Make a specific offer. "Let me know if there is anything I can do for you" is too vague and puts the burden on the sufferer. Instead, provide choices, like picking up groceries for your friend once a week, organizing a dinner chain, or taking her daughter to soccer practice. If you're not sure what would be helpful, ask someone who has been in a similar situation or think about what you would need. Most people, particularly women, find asking and accepting help difficult. So they might not take you up on your offer the first time, but they may be receptive the next or suggest something you hadn't thought of. Another tactic is to invite your friend to lunch. If he's in the mood to talk, listen carefully: he may want to talk about everything but his situation, so take your cues from him.
Make sure they want to hear what you have to say. "Asking permission before plowing ahead is respectful of another person's boundaries," contends Washington, D.C. psychologist Dorree Lynn. Something like, "I don't know if you want to talk about it, but I care about you and didn't want to pretend I didn't know" gives them an opener. If they don't take it, at least they'll know you are supportive. Share your own story only if you think it might be helpful, but ask first if they want to hear it.
Be empathetic, not a know-it-all. Two years ago, when Polly Cummings' young husband was dying of cancer, the Newton, Massachusetts, woman preferred to be told, "I'm sorry, it's so sad" rather than "I know how you feel."
Don't neglect others affected by the problem. Be solicitous of spouses and others directly affected. Ask how they are doing. Perhaps you can take your neighbor's father to his daycare program and pick him up so she can have some time to herself.
What not to say. This will make you a stronger person. You'll get over it. Time heals all wounds. You're better off without her. Don't worry; something will turn up. It's time to get on with your life.
Making amends
Maybe, having read this article, you realize that you've been The Great Pretender or said the wrong thing. Don't worry. You can revisit your behavior. For example, if your friend had a miscarriage, and you said, "You're young, you can always try again," you can still call her and say, "Last week I said something that may have sounded insensitive. I didn't know what to say and I'm sorry." Explain but don't dwell on it. Your job is to comfort them, not to try and make yourself feel better.
Expecting that you'll someday feel completely at ease in comforting others may be expecting too much, says Guilmartin. "Life isn't always comfortable. You're not going to be comfortable about expressing your concern," she says, "but you can be less tongue-tied."
Sally Abrahms, a frequent contributor to Jugglezine, recently lost her father and a close friend.
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Reactions to "Comfort 101"
What a beautiful article. Thank you for sharing this advice with all of us. It takes a strong person with a great heart to share what was gained from their own tragic personal event.
Brooke
Well, I read the article and I have read the comments... I was all ready to quote a poem I read from a Tao Calendar when I realized it wasn't in my current one, perhaps one I had discarded w/out realizing it...
Gist is (and perhaps not everyone will agree):
"Do no mourn or cry in the passing of a friend or loved one, instead laugh and salute their existence in the first place."
A poor, poor paraphrase, I'm afraid. I guess I am just trying to say I deal w/ death and dying quite frequently working w/ strays and at times I have to remind myself that the short while some of them are w/ us is a wonderful and magical moment. So when I feel upset or like crying, I instead laugh at the silly things they did and the way it made me feel.
Take care to all and best wishes!
-_- D.
Dayn Riegel
CTO, Secure Data Protect, Inc.
I sent this article to a friend...unfortunately a few days later she had the opportunity to use portions of it when a friend of hers hubby died. Unfortunately the man died...fortunately my friend was armed with some "how to" tools...she put the "make a specific offer" section to work. She was able to find out what was needed in the home to get ready for the expected line of guests, family, and well wishers coming to pay their respects. What was needed? Paper supplies, TP, coffee, laundry powder, etc. The country dwellers weren't expecting death to visit so soon and weren't prepared to "entertain guests". Thanks for the great advice...you're right it is hard to know what to say and do during or after a difficult situation. Your suggestions make it easier...well, maybe not easier, but more sensitive and caring.
Keep up the good work...I found your site "by accident" when looking for info re: an Employee Assistance Programs course I am enrolled in...
Sue Gream
graduate student
My mother reminded me, at every conceivable opportunity, that "God gave you TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason."
If I've learned nothing else from my wife, it's that when she gripes, I should NOT try to solve her problem. This is anathema to men, as we're wried to yell "Hoo-Rah!" and kill -- er, I mean -- solve the problem.
Best advice for myself: Just listen.
Brian Kelly
Owner and Whipping Boy, Brian Kelly Design
This story raises important issues and does a great job of offering specific suggestions for helping friends through tough times. I'm going to save it for future reference.
Susan Hackley
I liked the article; it was well-written and thoughtful, and really tackled a subject that vexes many otherwise personable, intelligent people.
The only thing I might further emphasize is the nastiness of cliche. The article touched upon a couple of trite phrases, but I'd go further and say they are all a waste of breath during difficult times. I can't imagine that someone would want to hear language that sounds catchy and recycled when they're fighting hard to overcome something intensely personal.
Paul Parent
Excellent, practical advice for anyone who is a practicing member of the human race. I especially agree with the suggestion to offer very specific things that you are willing or able to do rather than putting the monkey on the back of the person you are trying to comfort with the vague "If there's anything I can do to help..." I've found that in many cases it is a wonderful gesture to simply say, "I want to bring you a meal, how about thursday?" or "Let's get together for coffee/breakfast/lunch....will next thursday work?"
In a recent time where I needed the care of friends badly, the more specific the offer, the more serious and helpful it was. Even if it was just to be there, to listen, to care.
Bob
Consultant, Self Employed
For your survey, the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable wasn't listed - it's the belief that nothing I can do or say is going to make my friend feel better.
Lynne Homeyer
Editor, Quixtar
I'd like to add one more thing to the list of things not to say. Please don't say "God never gives us more than we can handle." God does not give us problems or pain like gifts - rather God provides the strength to keep going when the world has caused us pain.
mary richards
I am doing research on Herman Miller for a class project and clicked to this site for insight into the company's values. I did not expect to find something that would help me personally right now!
Earlier today, I visited my friend, who has Crone's disease. This is after 3-4 weeks of her feeling really badly - not strong enough for company. It looks like she has given up. I've never seen her like this before. She's weak and exhausted with pain and I do not know how close to death she is. Deeply concerned and not knowing exactly what to say, I was constantly wondering how I could help. Although this article is brief, it's has offered me some guidance. Thank you!
Bonnie
Bonnie Miner
Your timing on this subject is extremely appropriate at this point in my life. Thank you for helping me.......and others!!!!
Betty Rackear
SOC, HMI
Your article really pushes for people to increase the the EFFORT to care and do something. Even if it's a small gesture, it means something, for the underlying strength to human relationships is the experience of being loved.
However, many of us feel that we're not trained in that area of comforting and consoling others thus refraining from saying anything. And what more if we have no past experiences? I suppose it's not the amount of words that will help but the amount of physical help we can offer?
Tina
There are never the 'right words' when one needs them, during a time of loss.
Your friends know that you mean well, just by being there and vice versa.
Pro-active and practical help, like doing chores, and running errand is always a great help, because depression in such situations can often be debilitating.
It's important that the sufferer is kept nourished and comfortable, and that they are sensitively encouraged to express themselves....to talk/cry it out.
In death, encouraging reflection is also a great way of helping the sufferer celebrate the life of a departed friend/family member.
Not everybody is gifted at humour, but if you are, encouraging laughter during a sensitive situation, can work wonders.
Taking the grieving person on a walk to the local park is also beneficial.
Both of these activities raise the serotonin levels in the brain, and assist with the healing process.
Patricia
This is a great article, I wish everyone I know would read it!
I lost my husband to cancer a few months ago and it is much too big a thing for people to pretend it didn't happen, but they do!
I wish people would remember that just because they all know who I am (such as parents of my daughter's classmates) because of the tragedy which occured in my life, I have never been introduced to them, and it is best first to tell me who they are before they give me their sympathy.
Jennifer
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