"Lee" loved her communications job with a major health system, where she worked with academicians doing cutting-edge research. Generous perks and a flexible schedule didn't hurt either. But a mentally unstable, verbally abusive co-worker, a boss who played favorites and inappropriately touched her, and co-workers with whom she had little in common all dampened Lee's enthusiasm. "At times I felt like I was in the midst of a soap opera--sometimes a bizarre comedy," she said. "It often took my entire time away--I worked part-time--to recuperate and regroup."

Then Lee took a medical leave for cancer treatment. She recalls that office antics seemed particularly "Dilbert-like" upon her return, and she knew it was time to make a graceful exit. At a staff retreat soon after, she rose and announced that her health problems had taught her a valuable lesson: it's important to pursue your dreams and she'd be leaving within four weeks to pursue hers of being a writer. Her co-workers, and boss, were stunned but understanding. "You never know in this world," she says, "so I left in a good way, despite being very angry."

"It's not about you"

You don't want to make enemies, says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., sociology professor at the University of Washington and nationally recognized relationship expert. "Egos are on the line, and people act badly when they feel dismissed or rejected. So the greatest challenge is to make them feel that it isn't about them, but about the match. In some ways the skills that go into a good goodbye in romantic relationships are similar."

Pamela Oldham, a marketing consultant in Ashburn, Virginia, was careful to depersonalize her break-up with a high-profile client for whom she developed a marketing plan. She wanted his name on her client roster, but the costs soon became too high: patronizing, "classroom-style lectures" critiquing her work, based on input he'd sought from relatives and friends; repeated requests for new concepts and colors for his brochure; meetings that dragged for hours. After each "lecture," she'd explain her rationale and compromise a bit. He'd give the go-ahead to proceed, only to repeat the sequence the next time. "This should have been the least complicated [component]," she says. "I could only imagine that implementing the entire plan would be disastrous in many ways. Working with him was tedious and likely to be financially ruinous."

One day when the client handed Oldham yet another set of color swatches, she knew it was time. Her creative staff already deflated, "they'd go ballistic if I brought back those swatches. I held them in my hand for a moment and then looked up at him as if I'd just had the most incredible idea. I said, 'You know, you have the vision for the piece and even the colors. You don't really need a firm like mine. What you need is a printer to execute your concept. It'll be far less expensive.'"

"I never thought of that--what a great idea," she recalls him saying, with little clue he'd been, well, dumped. She even received a thank-you note promising referrals to his colleagues.

Oldham seems to have done the right thing by focusing on her client's vision. "Look for something honest to say to someone, and don't make aspersions of character, even if there are some to be made," says Dr. Schwartz. "Maybe the person was imaginative and great in meetings but never followed up. I can talk about his skill in meetings then. Leave people with dignity and pride. If you say, 'You did this, that and the other' it's like a marriage that's falling apart. It just gets bitter and ugly."

No sudden moves

Ideally, evaluating whether to beat a retreat from a difficult boss, vendor or client should include at least three conversations, says Sheila Heen, who teaches conflict negotiation at Harvard Law School and co-authored Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. First, be direct about the dilemma and its impact on you. Be ready to listen, suggest options and let the other party express preferences for how to resolve the problem (although you ultimately must decide).

During the second conversation, you're still learning, says Heen. Why hasn't the problem yet been solved? "Let them know what they'll have to do or else you'll need to make a choice, all along affirming the positive parts of the relationship." If nothing changes, use a third conversation to communicate your regret and boundaries: "I'm sorry. I know my decision not to do this work will have implications for you. If things change I'd be interested in working with you again, but right now I can't take on any more projects."

Frame the discussion as taking a break rather than ending the relationship. "In many industries, the community is relatively small," says Heen."You simply can't predict whether this person might be your [future] boss, or your next door neighbor."

Above all, be professional. Honor previous commitments, meet deadlines, and contribute during remaining meetings, says Robert Bittner, author Your Perfect Job: A Guide to Discovering Your Gifts, Following Your Passions, and Loving Your Work for the Rest of Your Life. Tempting though it may be to tell the other party "exactly what you think of their management style, their office, their hair color--don't. If you truly need to vent, find a friend, a spouse, your pastor, a counselor," says Bittner. "Or do something that's both symbolic and productive. Vow to succeed like never before, in spite of the obstacle."

You have to give up to gain

Success may come easier and faster than you imagined once you remove unhealthy, unproductive relationships from your life. If you apply the Pareto Principle, 80 percent of your grief comes from 20 percent of your clientele or colleagues. Or consider the principles of feng shui, whereby reducing clutter of all sorts increases productivity and creativity by making way for new energy to flow.

"Suddenly being free of something that's preoccupied you for however long, perhaps years, can be truly liberating," says Heen of Harvard. "There can be a real sense of pride in making decisions according to personal values and ethics, not being driven by the market, money, or other people's demands. And finally cutting ties and taking a risk can be exciting. There's a lot of learning that can happen from just trusting yourself to do it."

Whenever possible, writer Kimberlee Roth tries to cut ties without burning bridges.