Last fall, magazine editor Abby Monahan* got the shock of her life: She unexpectedly lost her job as part of management changes at the publication where she'd worked for 15 years. For the first time in her career, Monahan was without a job, without a paycheck, without a professional identity.

In the days, weeks and months that followed, Monahan felt a jumble of emotions--numbness, anger at her boss, depression, resentment, and, finally, anger at herself for not exploring the job market when the new management team arrived months earlier. Plus, she was overwhelmed with fear. "I had visions of going broke weeks after my severance ran out and having to sell our belongings and move in with relatives," says Monahan, a mother of a young daughter and her family's main breadwinner. "I was terrified I'd never work again--or that I'd have to take a lower-ranking position just for the paycheck."

Through it all, Keith Monahan was his wife's calm and compassionate cheerleader. He reminded Abby of her accomplishments, which kept her from wallowing in self-pity. He called from work every day to cheer her up. He never blamed her or questioned her job hunting techniques.

"If I hadn't had Keith's support during the worst of my sadness and hopelessness, it would have been easy to let our relationship become a casualty, too," Monahan says. "But his patience and encouragement showed me that he was committed to me and our marriage, which reinforced my sense of commitment, too."

Stephen Betchen, D.S.W., a marital and sex therapist in Cherry Hill, N.J., isn't surprised. "How a spouse responds to his or her partner's job loss can mean the difference between a relationship that flourishes--or one that careens off course," says Betchen. "A spouse's support in a time of crisis may be forever appreciated and can go a long way towards preserving the health of the relationship."


Married....with stress

More than 2.8 million jobs have been lost since the recession began in early 2001--and major corporations, including International Paper Co., 3Com Corp. and Levi Strauss, are continuing to slash positions. With unemployment claims at their highest level since early July, a growing number of American couples are finding out the challenges that job loss poses to marriages. In fact, a new study by the National Employment Law Project found that more than three-quarters of unemployed Americans say family stress has escalated since they were laid off.

"Losing a job is one of life's more difficult events," explains Robin Ryan, a Seattle-based career coach. "It attacks your identity, your self-esteem, your whole world."

Michael B. Fineberg, Ph.D., a business psychologist and managing partner of Delta Consultants in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, agrees. Not only is there the loss of money, but there's also the loss of a social circle that employees rely on at work. "As a result, people who lose their jobs go through a bereavement process that can last for months," Fineberg says. "There is denial, anger, anxiety, depression, and, ultimately, acceptance. But phases of bereavement can come and go during the job search process."

For many couples, the critical time isn't when the pink slip arrives, but the middle phase, after the job search has dragged on for months, the severance pay is about to run out, and there are no employment prospects in sight. At that point, the unemployed partner may feel so demoralized that he'll stop looking for work and slide back into depression. His spouse may become so frustrated and frightened that she’ll badger him to do more, which can strain the relationship.

That's what happened to Michelle Lennon* and her live-in boyfriend, Lee Emerson*. After Emerson lost his job as a medical disability counselor, it took him three months to land a part-time job delivering pizza--and another three months to get hired in his field. "The tension came from what I believed was Lee's lack of effort to find work," Lennon says. "He would apply for a position or have an interview--and that would be it for a while. He also started sleeping a lot and playing games on the computer. That was very frustrating. If I were in his shoes, I would have searched for a job every single day--until I found one."

Indeed, there's a fine line between offering support and nudging. "It's OK to make suggestions, but it's not OK to harp," Fineberg says. "Sometimes, you have to provide a loving slap in the face, by saying 'It's time to move on' if your spouse is still extremely bitter and angry months later."

Lending appropriate support

How can you help your partner cope and keep your relationship on track? Experts offer eight strategies:

Choose your words carefully. "The worst thing you can do is issue platitudes, such as, 'Honey, you're so great. You'll get a job right away,' " cautions Ryan, author of 60 Seconds and You're Hired. "Today, the average search lasts six to nine months--and often longer. When you issue platitudes, you'll only make your partner feel worse, because he knows they're not true." Instead, assure your spouse that you'll get through this ordeal together. Cite unemployment statistics as a reminder that his situation is a reflection of sagging economy, not his ability. And point out that setbacks are part of life. "When people get down, they look at things as permanent," Betchen says. "But life is a series of ups and downs, and it's psychologically beneficial if the unemployed spouse keeps that in perspective."

Find out how you can help. "Don’t assume that you know how to help," Ryan says. "Ask what's needed--and then do it." Remember that your partner's needs will change over time. Early on, your wife may crave a sympathetic ear as she vents anger. Once she's immersed in job hunting, she may appreciate help networking. And as her search continues, you might help her access support group where she can connect with other job hunters.

Make time for romance. "You may not be able to afford dinners at expensive restaurants, but you can order a pizza and rent a video," Fineberg says. "It's a matter of maintaining a positive attitude that says, 'Life is difficult now, but we have each other--and our relationship is what's most important."

Don't nag. "A lot of women become very pushy when their husbands lose their jobs," Ryan says. "But that won't build his self-esteem or give him a positive attitude--two things he'll need to get hired again." Plus, it will inspire arguments and resentment.

Urge your partner to stay open-minded. Dream jobs are tough to find, so Fineberg recommends that job seekers accept, on a temporary basis, either a part-time or lower-paying position in a different field. The benefits? Boosts to the bank account and self-esteem. "My friend spent eight months looking for work
in information technology management before he took a job selling cars," Fineberg says. "He's not making as much money, but he's happy to have a paycheck, and he's in a better mood because he's being productive. It's better to work at something than mope around until the 'right' position opens up."

Encourage your spouse to take on a new project. "You can only spend between 25 to 30 hours a week looking for work," says Ryan, whose clients have started new fitness regimens, built decks in their backyards, and completed other home repairs during their unemployment. "The rest of the time should be devoted to something where you can make progress every day."

Seek professional help. If your spouse remains depressed, call an expert. "A therapist can help him work through his emotions, offer positive reinforcement, and even prescribe medication," Betchen says. Also, if your relationship is unraveling, marital counseling is a good investment.

Suggest hiring a career counselor. "Professional help will get a job seeker where she wants to go faster than if she goes it alone," Ryan advises. "Most counselors help clients by phone, e-mail and fax, so you can get assistance even if you can't find one in your area." Career counselors offer guidance on everything from resume and cover-letter preparation to strategies on how to improve networking, use the Internet in a job search and enhance performance in interviews.

In the year since she was laid off, Monahan shifted professional gears--a move that her husband supports, even though it has stressed the family finances. Unable to find a full-time editing job and happy to be spending more time with their daughter, Monahan is now doing freelance writing and editing from home. Her marriage remains strong.

As Monahan says, "Now more than ever, I know I can count on Keith to be there for me during the tough times--and we can get through even a big crisis like job loss together."

* Names and some personal details were changed in the interest of privacy.

Freelancer Cynthia Hanson has written about careers and relationships for numerous publications. She is happy to help her husband update his resume every year.