In 2005, Sean Hayes, a sales and support representative for an Internet hosting company, noticed a disturbing trend: Every day he was speaking with customers who were contacting the support center for the third time about the same technical issue relating to the setup of their Web sites.

A check of their files showed that Hayes' coworkers, many of them new hires, had given customers textbook answers that didn't apply to their situation. The fallout? Customers were losing trust in the fast-growing Arizona firm and support reps were spending valuable minutes on issues that already should have been resolved.

"My coworkers didn't have the correct information to pass along," Hayes says. "I realized that if something didn't change, the problem would continue indefinitely, and we would lose business."

The solution was obvious to Hayes: More training for the call-center employees. But his boss said that management couldn't do anything to reduce the number of repeat calls and then urged Hayes to do his best with the ones he received. "I thought employees were supposed to identify problems and offer solutions," says Hayes, then 24. "I didn't know it would be so hard to have an honest conversation at work."

Fuzzy talk
Hayes' experience isn't unique. A recent survey by the Phoenix-based consulting firm Henning-Showkeir & Associates found that seven out of ten employees believe conversation is essential to getting the job done. Still, 50 percent of respondents, regardless of their title or position, say it's difficult to have open and candid discussions at their companies.

"Everyday conversations are the invisible driver of workplace culture and business success, but too often, they're counterproductive," explains Jamie Showkeir, co-author (with wife Maren Showkeir) of Authentic Conversations. "When you must be careful about what you say--to avoid either looking bad in the eyes of your boss or angering the wrong people--the true power of conversations is squandered."

Experts agree that it's a common situation that's getting even worse in today's unstable economy. "People aren't comfortable speaking their minds when their company could collapse at any day and their job could disappear along with it," says Jonathan Alpert, a New York City psychotherapist. "They'd rather play it safe and present themselves in a positive light."

The Showkeirs, who've led workshops on authentic conversations for clients ranging from 3M to Hewlett Packard, attribute the problem to the parent-child dynamic in corporate America, where the boss is the "parent" and workers are the "children." Employees are reluctant to raise difficult subjects with their boss--just as children don't like to bring bad news to Dad--out of fear that they'll get passed over for a promotion or high-profile assignment. Bosses withhold information--everything from an employee's job performance to possible restructuring plans--on the assumption that employee morale and productivity would fall if they knew the truth.

"Employees see themselves as 'off-the-hook' for thinking about business solutions, because management is supposed to take care of them," Maren Showkeir says. "Our question is, 'What does this manipulative dynamic cost the company? How much more productive would it be for everyone to focus on solving problems?'"

Spinning the facts
Manipulative language is now so prevalent in workplace conversations that most of us don't even realize that we're doing it. What does it sound like? It's downplaying problems and making unrealistic promises. It's spinning facts and playing to emotion. It's being intentionally vague or being reassuring without presenting real evidence. In short, it's always saying yes.

People like this "tell you what they think you want to hear," says Larina Kase, a business psychologist and author of The Confident Leader. "They come across as overly rehearsed, they use big words to sound intelligent, and they offer elaborate explanations when a simple one will do."

Hayes refused to play that role and got assertive. Rather than accept the status quo, he (on the advice of Showkeir) set out to show how much it was costing the company to have employees who couldn't solve customer problems the first time they called.

For three months, Hayes logged how much time he spent each day on repeat calls. Then he calculated how much money the company paid him to handle them and extrapolated the number across the 800-person work group. Finally, he put the data in a report for his boss, who was so impressed with the hard evidence that he gave the information to his boss. The end result? The director of the call center agreed with Hayes' original idea, the company created an expanded training program, and Hayes got promoted to run it.

Conversation changers
As Hayes' experience shows, it is possible to have adult-to-adult conversations at work. The key is to focus on facts and solutions, while keeping emotions at bay. Here are five techniques to help you move from manipulation to straight talk:

• Get a point of view. It's better to develop an independent opinion based on your knowledge than buy into what others think. People who go along to get along "may get promoted in the short term, because they work hard and try not to offend people, but it's not a smart long-term strategy," Kase says. "They are followers, and their career will hit a wall once they're seen for who they truly are. Employees who have authentic conversations will be seen as trustworthy and honest."
  
  
• Go first. "If you take a proactive approach and bring up the subject, you'll feel more in control of the discussion," Alpert says. "It can be scary, but it's always better to get the bad news out on your timetable."
  
  
• Accept responsibility. "It's far more powerful and persuasive to say, 'Here's what I did to cause XYZ,' than it is to blame the other person," notes Maren Showkeir. "If you say, 'This is what you did,' you'll put the other person on the defensive."
  
• Take the other side. This gives you an even better understanding of the problem and it makes the other person feel heard and understood. "People have difficulty taking the other side when they want to show their leadership," says Maren Showkeir. "However, leadership is no longer defined as 'having all the right answers,' but as an ability to get others to consider all the choices and find the best solution."
  
  
• Call a time-out. When a conversation spins out of control, admit that you've reached an impasse, make a good-faith statement, and ask for help. You might say, "We're both repeating ourselves, instead of making progress" or "We're not getting anywhere. How do you want to proceed?" Use comments like this to move toward collaboration.

Cynthia Hanson, a Philadelphia-area freelance writer, has covered workplace issues for more than 15 years.