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Jenna Glatzer knew at a young age that she was a perfectionist. In the fourth grade she hid on her school bus all the way to the bus yard to avoid showing her parents her report card. For the first time she had received something other than a 100--a humiliating, to her, 98 in Science.
Perfectionism can show up early in life, as in Glatzer's case, or manifest itself in adulthood, and it isn't always a bad thing. Perfectionists produce incredible work, are usually very organized and detail oriented, and create wonderful experiences for others. If perfectionism goes too far, however, stress, depression, relationship problems, and eating disorders can occur. The fear of not making the "right" choice can also leave perfectionists with regrets about not living the life they dreamed of.
Monica Ramirez Basco, Ph.D., clinical associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas-Southwestern and the author of, Never Good Enough: Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Perfectionism, says there are two kinds of perfectionists--inwardly focused and outwardly focused--and each comes with its own implications.
Inwardly focused perfectionists struggle with the idea that their actions aren't ever good enough. "The self esteem of inwardly focused perfectionists can take a big hit," says Basco. "They are prone to depression and anxiety." Outwardly focused perfectionists, on the other hand, are often frustrated by the way others do their jobs and can be highly critical. For that reason, "their perfectionism can have a negative impact on relationships. They tend to micromanage everything and then end up frustrated along with the people who work and live with them. There is a lot of wear and tear emotionally for both types."
Glatzer, a writer, is a combination of both types. "I think of everything I send out as a representation of myself, so I'm super careful to always meet my deadlines, double-check my facts, proofread endlessly, etcetera," she says. "I expect a lot of others, but even more from myself. I'm intolerant of excuses."
When it goes too far
From years of working with clients, Basco has learned the warning signs of over-the-top perfectionism. "Consistently setting unachievable goals, always feeling let down by either yourself or others, anxiety about being seen when you're not put together, and finding mistakes intolerable are all signs," she says. "Making mistakes is really big for perfectionists. One mistake can ruin their whole day."
Other warning signs to look for are never taking risks, being overly critical of others, obsessing over making choices, and having an unreasonable fear of a bad outcome if you don't control how things are done. Procrastination is another indication of perfectionism--something stay-at-home mom Darcy Spence knows all too well. The idea of wanting to do something perfectly sometimes immobilizes her. "This leads me to either not do the task at all," she says, "or I do it poorly due to lack of time [after having procrastinated] and then feel bad about myself."
Often your body will let you know your perfectionism is off the charts. Headaches, tightness in the neck, shoulders, or back, panic attacks, sleep problems, and irritability can all be signs that it's time to evaluate where you need to go easier on yourself or the people in your life.
Loosening perfectionism's grip
The first step, Basco says, is to determine where in your life perfectionism is doing damage--work, home, social life, or elsewhere--then set a goal to make changes in the targeted area.
Test out your guesses about what will happen if you don't do things perfectly. Make a few mistakes intentionally and publicly just to see what will happen. The next time you throw a dinner party, try burning a dish or leaving an ingredient out of the salad. Once you see that it's not the end of the world, you're more likely to cut yourself some slack.
Let someone else do things the way they want to, instead of your way. If you let your assistant send out a memo without proofreading it first, does it lead to disaster? Basco says a perfectionist's fears are often irrational. "You need to ask yourself, 'What's more important--getting help, or doing it all my way, along with the stress that includes?'"
And if you're one of those who feel paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision, try bringing some discipline to the process. When trying to decide whether or not to change jobs, for example, Basco suggests listing the major pros and cons of each job. Next figure out if there's a way to maximize the pros and minimize the cons. Finally, list the worst things that could happen as a result of taking the job and staying with your current job and say your fears out loud. Verbalizing the worst case scenarios can help lower your anxiety and bring you closer to a decision.
Yoga, escaping into a good book, and seeking the input of nonperfectionists can also help you gain balance.
Don't oversimplify
Basco challenges her perfectionist clients not to oversimplify things. Rather than two extremes--perfection or failure--look for shades of gray. In her book, Basco profiles a woman who puts tremendous pressure on herself to keep every item of clothing in the house laundered and pressed. Basco asks her to think about under what circumstances she might be 25%, 50%, and 75% satisfied with the laundry.
"You want to catch yourself when you think that a situation is either perfect or not, and question that belief," she says. "Maybe 50% or 75% is good enough and you can live with that. Think about the time and energy it takes to be 100%. Is it worth it? Where do you really function best?"
With imperfection comes freedom
Alexandra Stoddard offers a more Zen-like approach in her book, The Art of the Possible: The Path from Perfectionism to Balance and Freedom. She suggests looking for "perfect moments" to savor in our day rather than chasing a perfect life. "Those perfect moments lift us up and delight us," she says. "But if the focus is perpetual perfection, there is no peace."
Glatzer, who considers herself a recovering perfectionist, adds, "I had to learn to say 'so what?' sometimes. So what if my hair wasn't perfect? So what if I got somewhere late or had to leave a little early? I had to give myself permission to be imperfect. That freed me up to be more of a real human being."
Melanie Bowden is trying to savor that she's an imperfect mother. She's also considering throwing a bad dinner party and inviting all the perfectionists she knows.
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Reactions to "Perfectly Unreasonable"
If you are young, take some advice and get help now. At 60 years of age, I am still unable to accept imperfection in many situations. During my lifetime I have endured excruciating headaches, ulcers, irritable bowel syndrome (near death at 88 lbs.) and debilitating and embarrassing panic attacks. Trying to hide my affliction definitely increases the stress level. According to this article, I am both an inwardly and outwardly focused perfectionist. How can that be? Many times I have wondered how I ever made it this far in life. I think it has to do with my being very optimistic, therefore, not incapacitated by depression. Tomorrow some small task will be accomplished, or maybe not, but the day after should be better.
Rita
How can I find support groups in my area for overcoming perfectionism?
Renee' DuBois
home, home
From a long line of perfectionists, I love this article. Thank you for some validation and solutions...my perfectionism led to my own business, as it can also be a gift, but balance is the key to happiness.
Denise Williams
Owner, DLW Professional Organizing
Merci beaucoup! Just at the right time. I wasn't feeling good because of my perfectionism and I took the time to read this article and my anxiety left.
marjolaine
I always wondered why no one wanted to help around the house, now I know why. This is the second time that I have heard of the link between perfectionism and weight control.
Rita Proulx
Finance , Sabbatical
I enjoyed the story. I think of myself as a perfectionist.
I quit a job where I was unhappy because it was a new work environment and I did not feel in control at all. I felt incompetent and started to doubt my competence as a manager, although I was rather succesful at other places I worked and for more than fifteen years.
I should learn to cut myself some slack. Now I took a job with fewer responsibilities for which I am overqualified.
Sometimes being a perfectionist prevents you from being objective in analyzing your performance. Seeing shades of grays instead of maintaining cear cut black and white can be helpful.
Benoit Daoust
assistant-manager, Guess?, Inc.
I think perfection is a goal anyone can aspire to. It all depends on the criterias used.
For example, you can get a perfect score (100%) in a math exam because the development and the answer are what is being judged. If we were to take points off because words were badly written, the score would surely go down a notch for many people. So, being perfect becomes possible if you can satisfy every criteria chosen.
The main difficulty is to stay perfect. Can we get that 100% all the time? Sure! Then again, how long is 'all the time': a week? a semester? a year? The longer it is, the less likely we are to stay perfect. How long is good enough for you?
So I sign, the perfect guy for those who agree with me.
Pierre F.
Pierre Fagnan
M.
I am a perfectionnist... but we all have to learn that we have constraint. One of the best examples is TIME. We cannot change the behavior of it. It is hard to accept for us... To make everything "perfect" (or at less near it, by our own standard), we need it.
You can also claim that doing it right the first time won't require to redo it later, which can in the long run save time. However, most of the things change...
Michael Muryn
Analyst/Programmer/etc.
Very nice and warm article! But if the focus is perpetual perfection, there is no peace. How true it is. Everybody who lives trying to be perfect at any time will agree...unless THEY are perfect! If so, I would like to be one of them!!!! LOL
Benoit Brodeur
Great article. I'm a recovering perfectionist and have learned to enjoy life much more now!
Kristin Sanchez
I thoroughly enjoyed this article. It gave me an insight of my status and that of a dear friend in our "perfectionist complex" as we called it. I like the comment of Alexandra Stoddard, how there is no peace if focusing on perfection. Only when one is in control 100% of everything, can they obtain perfection - Only 'The Creator' has that, and that gives you "peace".
Pat Brazil
Database Development Adm, Herman Miller
Like they say, "Strive for Excellence - not Perfection".
I take this to heart whenever I begin to get down on myself about projects that aren't "perfect". Let's face it - we, as humans - are not perfect. There are times when I admire people who have to have perfection, yet feel sorry for them because they are never truely happy.
I do the best I can in everything I do. This makes me me feel good...and sleep better at night.
Sarah Figueroa
Owner, FigaroDesign
I certainly wish I could be competent enough to be a perfectionist. I have the desire to do exceptional work -- but my actual best work truely falls short.
sue
Wow, what a great article about me, heehee! Thanks for sharing this info, Melanie.. it sheds light on my issues with perfectionism, and I appreciate the tips that are offered to help get a grip on always trying to do everything perfectly!
Ellece
I'm a second generation recovering perfectionist. I've learned that the rewards for doing the best I can, instead of being perfect, is the richness of relationships and satisfaction with life in general. As each member of our family recovers from their own breed of perfectionism, we are laughing more and teaching our children to be more gracious with themselves and one another. A good legacy to leave.
MD
Internet Marketing Program Manager
Terrific article. Well written with flair, covering all points necessary, and providing the reader with good useful information.
Rita Robinson
author/editor, handscape
So thats whats wrong with me!
Ashlie Langan
Although your story is good in theory, striving towards perfectionism, and hopefully attaining it in most instances, will resolve a great deal of life's problems. For example, I always pay my bills, by my on-line bill payer, the day that they arrive. This way, I never have to worry if a payment is late, if I'll have late changes, the power being turned off, etc. Another 'tendency' I have is always filling the gas tank, without exception, when it is half full. Again, I never have to worry about running out of gas, etc.
Diana Howell
Vice President/C.O.O., J. Howell & Assoc., Inc.
Great stuff. I consider myself a "recovering perfectionist".
My imagination (like many in a creative field) is vivid and wild, so my worst case scenarios are REALLY worst. In fact, they are ALWAYS worse than the actual outcome.
Realizing that, helped the most.
Life is much happier now -- well, most of the time.
carla
Architect, Rowland Design, Inc.
I like this story. It explains that we are all human and should be expected to make mistakes, though noone really admits it.
Rosemond
Assisstant, One Legal
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